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Murnan

If you're reading this, then you probably scanned the QR code on a little blue tin.  If so, thank you for being curious and please let me explain the story behind these blue ponies.

Murnan is the name I chose for this pony; they are feeling a little blue and are struggling to see how to get past their current struggles.  They feel paralysed and numb, sad and anxious.  They don't know it yet, but they're tougher than they think and whilst carrying a few scars and unsure of what's to come, they are going to be ok.

Murnan is an old English word, meaning to care for, to worry about, to be sorrowful, to mourn.

  • IPA: /ˈmʊrnan/
  • From Proto-Germanic *murnaną‎. Cognate with Old Saxon mornan, Old High German mornēn, Old Norse morna, Gothicmaurnan).

In late December 2023, our littlest brother, Dan passed away.  He was only 36.

Dan's passing was sudden, unexpected and traumatic for the entire family.  Whilst still in shock we had to navigate Christmas and the New Year, whilst those around us celebrated and enjoyed the holidays.  It took so long for the coroners to work out what had happened, the long wait for answers dragged on forever, at last they worked it out, then there was the funeral.  After that... well life stubbornly went on, the bills rolled in and we had to find a way to carry on in this new normal without him.

The months that followed were difficult to say the least, bills needed paying, other life challenges and disappointments forced themselves on us (paling in comparison but hurting all the more in our depleted emotional state), money had to be earned and for me that meant I needed to sculpt.  The pressure was on, but creativity is highly emotive and mine had shut down completely, I had sculptor's block.  For so many weeks, I sat at the computer trying to produce something, anything, but it just wouldn't come.

Eventually, in desperation I put a post on a social media sculpting forum, I asked: "Sculptor's block - anyone experience it, any tips on how to get through it?..."

I was deeply moved by the flood of suggestions and helpful advice given, I tried most of the tips offered but was still really struggling.  But then one comment, by someone called Charity, seemed to make sense.  They commented:  "When I’m like that I try to sculpt my feelings. Sometimes it’s horrible but it helps and other times it can turn into a masterpiece"

So I opened Zbrush (my digital sculpting program of choice), loaded a ball of virtual clay and just pushed it around.  I thought about my little brother, of all we'd lost, of all he'd lost, of my parents grieving a son, of my siblings grieving a brother and of my daughter, nieces and nephews grieving their "funkle".  Even Igor, Dan's cat-son (pictured) and how he must be dealing with this.  I thought of old regrets and of the moments of magic, of the last time we spoke and of what I'd say if I could only see him one more time.  All the while I pushed and pulled that clay ball into different shapes and gradually, a forlorn little pony began to emerge.

I won't claim Murnan as a masterpiece, but this little pony helped me find my creativity again and I want to share them with the world.  I don't want Murnan to be commercial, this isn't about money, it's about sharing this chapter in my story and carrying Dan forward in my own way.  You will see this blue little pony carries the cars from being cleaned - a layer of UV protective gloss sealer will cover these marks and protect the pony, or you may like to paint it up, show it, or even gift it to someone you know who is also feeling a little blue.  Murnan isn't sure what's next, if you feel the same, you're not alone, but there is support out there for you, you just have to be brave and reach out.

Eventually I found the courage and reached out for support, both from the sculpting forum and from my doctor.  I now speak with an amazing lady called Amy every few weeks, and I am starting to see how I can move forward, not leaving Dan behind, but carrying him with me.  As my favourite author, Sir Terry Pratchett wrote:

“Do you not know that a man is not dead while his name is still spoken?”

I will speak Dan's name for the rest of my life, I will carry him forward with me, I will share as many blue ponies as I am able to.

GNU Dan Savage

If you're feeling a little blue and are struggling on how to move forward, there is so much support out there for you, but finding it can be tricky.  Here's a few links that might help.  Please, reach out: